Pet Forum / Mammals / Rats / June 2006

I saw that this had been posted here in 2003; thought I'd bring it back
again... :) From http://www.dapper.com.au/badrat.htm

The Bad Rat Pledge

Inspired by The Bad Pets Lists

   * I will not graze on the carpet.
   * It is not considered "cool" to beat up rats smaller than myself.
   * There is no need to steal treats from others when I am given one
of equal size of my own
   * I will not leave raisins on the sofa for unsuspecting human
butts.
   * Pots are for growing plants in, not digging up.
   * I will refrain from climbing down the blouses of female visitors.
   * There is no nutritional value in used tissues.
   * Chewing on electrical cords is not fun, even if it elicits such
an enthusiastic response from my human.
   * Peeing on the remote control does not give me the right to choose
the tv channel, nor does it endear myself to my humans so that they
turn the tv off and play with me.
   * I will not develop a foam mining enterprise in my human's
mattress.
   * Unlike their favourite old t-shirt, peeing on their crisp newly
ironed white business shirt as they leave for work will not elicit a
loving response.
   * Licking my goolies in public is considered a faux pas.
   * I will not create a fake massacre scene in my cage when I eat red
foods.
   * Barbering others is nothing more than gratuitous graffiti.
   * I will not start a game of hide and seek every time my human
calls me back to my cage.
   * If I was meant to eat recycled paper pellets, they would be
placed in my food bowl rather than my litter tray.
   * I will endure a bath like the calm, dignified rodent I am.
   * Bath time means a bath, not a chance to jump out and eat the
soap.
   * I will do my best not to tread in squishy raisins and trample
them all over the house and my human.
   * I will not find amusement in nipping my cagemate's butt as he
exits the hammock.
   * Adding urine to my water does not make it taste better.
   * When my human lets me out after completing their 100 page
assignment, I will refrain from exploring the Delete key.
   * Chewing of cage wires does not elicit a favourable response from
my human.
   * When dinner is being served, I will control myself and share with
my cagemates in a sensible fashion.
   * I will go about my night-time business in respectful silence.
   * When I don't want to go home to the cage yet, I will not wedge
myself under immovable furniture.
   * I will not give my human a heart attack by sleeping soundly with
my eyes open.
   * Human saliva is not a tasty treat.
   * I am not qualified to give my human a manicure, pedicure, ear
cleaning, nose cleaning, or dental exam.
   * I will not try to run off to the boy rats' cage at every possible
chance.
   * The newspaper that lines my shelf does not need to be shredded to
bits and thrown out the cage bars.
   * I do not need to pee on the magazine my human is reading, even if
it is "yellow journalism".
   * My human lovingly handcrafted this cozy hammock for me... so I
must not pee in it, poop in it, eat staining foods in it, or chew six
holes in it.
   * I will refrain from sofa spelunking.
   * I will not squeak in bloody terror when my human is trying to
give me medicine and I will certainly not spit it out afterwards.
   * I will not climb the curtains and play along the curtain rod just
out of reach of my human.
   * Band-Aids are there for a purpose and are not to be removed
without permission.
   * I will not sit on top of the boys' cage when I am in heat and
flap my ears coyly to drive them insane.
   * I will not teach my offspring to be as bad as I am.
   * I will not climb into the printer, scanner or paper shredder,
especially when it is on.  That also goes for the washing machine,
clothes dryer, microwave, fridge and dishwasher.
   * I will refrain from jumping into my human's coffee mug and then
walking coffee prints all over the table.
   * My food is placed in my own bowl, not on my human's dinner plate.
   * I will not throw bedding out of my cage at the cat.
   * When the dog barks at me and sticks his nose into my cage, I will
not stoop to his level and bite him... after all, he's just a big
stupid beast and doesn't know any better.
   * I will not bite my human's earrings, especially when she is
wearing them.
   * Humping my cagemates is not an acceptable outlet for sexual
frustration.
   * I will choose a more appropriate place than the litter tray to
wrestle with my cagemate.
   * Chewing small holes in blankets, towels, clothes, bedcovers, etc
is not appreciated as "ratty lace".
   * Socked toes are not fair game.
   * I will eat all the skins of my fresh foods rather than scatter
them all over the cage.
   * I will use my cage brick to keep my claws blunt, not as a honing
tool for precision sharpness.
   * Diving down my human's shirt and scratching them with my nails
just to hear them squeal is not an acceptable game.
   * Free range time is a privilege, not a right.
   * Begging for another treat after stashing the first one does not
fool my human.
   * I will try to remember to groom my tail... at least once a year.
   * When visiting the vet, I will conduct myself with decorum.
   * It's rarely ever wise to chew a hammock hook while lazing in it.
   * I will not tunnel under my bedding and knock all my toys,
cagemates and food bowls over.
   * Yogurt drops are to be eaten in moderation, so I will refrain
from begging for them 24 hours a day.
   * When I'm working with my human in a PR capacity, I will not pee
on, chew the clothes of, poop on, bite, sniff embarrassing body parts
of, scratch the skin of, or otherwise deter those who might be
interested in having rats as pets.
   * I will stash anything I get my hands on in a location known and
accessible to my human.
   * It is not considered polite to take food from my human's mouth.
   * I will strike perfect statuesque poses every time the camera lens
points in my direction.
   * I will refrain from flaunting my enormous torpedoes at
anatomically inadequate human male visitors.
   * Just because my owners fingers smell like avocado does not mean
they are edible.
   * I will not attempt to mate with the rat girls through their cage
bars.
   * Candles are for humans, I must not eat the wax.
   * I will endure my human's cuddling, belly kissing and smoochy baby
talk with stoic dignity.
   * If I simply must chew something, I will opt for one of the
countless expensive chew toys my human provides for me that lie around
like abandoned relics in my cage.
   * I will not demand avocado and smoked salmon for dinner every
night.
   * My human does not approve of kisses immediately after I've
groomed my butt.
   * I will not look all angelic while my human is attempting to
reprimand me.
   * My human provides me with lots of toys, I do not need to play
with other household items.
   * I will not cling to that spot between my human's shoulder blades
where I cannot be removed without assistance.
   * I must remember that human skin simply does not have the traction
required for vertical climbs.
   * Sneaking up on the family cat and biting his tail is not
considered good form.
   * I will not sniff human's breath, then turn around and sniff my
goolies for comparison.
   * I will refrain from climbing into the popcorn bag until my owner
has had a chance to taste it.
   * I will not eat, threaten to eat, bite, groom excessively,
spindle, mutilate, or otherwise terrorize my new cagemates.
   * Walking down one level of my cage to use the litter tray is not
inconvenient.  Besides, it's good exercise for me.
   * I will not pee in my dry food mix.
   * Water bowls are not provided for tail washing, dangling balls in
or as a repository for unwanted lab blocks.
   * I understand that my human must spend time on the computer
instead of playing with me, and will therefore not chew through the
mouse cord to get attention any chance I get.
   * I will not resort to maniacal blood-letting with my cagemates
over inconsequential things like inequality in treat size, use of the
nest box, or who gets to go out the cage door first at free range time.
   * I will not poop uncontrollably in front of strangers.
   * I will not hump one of my cage mates when my human has visitors
so my human gets asked embarrassing questions like, "Did you know your
rats are mating?" so s/he has to explain why girl rats do this to one
another.
   * Peeing all over myself and my cagemates does not make us smell
irresistible.
   * When called, my cagemates and I will return home after free range
time in a prompt and orderly fashion.
   * I will not make so much racket in my cage at night by throwing
various toys etc about and make give our human heart failure because
s/he thinks there are burglars in the house and then look innocent when
our human gets up to check.
   * Paper towels are not rat food.
   * When conversing with other rats, I will not refer to my human as
"The Rat Slave".
   * I will not stare forlornly at my human, nose pressed through the
bars of the cage, when she is having dinner and make her feel guilty so
we get most of what she was eating.
   * I will not.... I will not...

     Ah, stuff it, I'll do whatever the heck I want to do, because my
human doesn't believe there is such a thing as a 'bad' rat, and even if
I destroy things of great value or behave in a terribly embarrassing
way (including using guests as a urinal), s/he's just going to say
'awwwww' and give us extra avocado treats and tummy kisses!